


When In Doubt, Don't Call Us

by orphan_account



Category: The Bartimaeus Trilogy - Fandom
Genre: NO ONE KNOWS, no one will ever know, what do i even put here, what is even in this story
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-07-19
Updated: 2014-07-19
Packaged: 2018-02-09 13:43:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,645
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1985115
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's like X-Men and The Fantastic Four but worse.</p>
            </blockquote>





	When In Doubt, Don't Call Us

"KITTY PLEASE SLOW DOWN I AM GOING TO HURL." Nathaniel tried to yell over the wind.  Kitty chuckled as they alighted gently on the roof of their nearby apartment building.   
"Well, I thought a calming, scenic view of London would be a  _great_  way to demonstrate my powers for you.” He still clung to her, not realizing they were on solid ground. She attempted to slide her arm in between them and pry him off. When that didn't work she coughed loudly and nudged him slightly. He slowly opened his eyes and peeled his arms away from her.  
Realizing it was over, he stood up suddenly, straightening his shoulders and smoothing back his disheveled hair. “Ahem, well. I think that's enough for today.” Despite his best efforts, his voice still came out shaky and much too high for an eighteen year old. Kitty just rolled her eyes and smiled as they headed to the door leading downstairs. She'd be lying though if she said she hadn't been shaken up by their flight. She'd only just discovered this power a few days ago. It was what Nat had taken to calling her 'secondary power'.

  
None of them had expected this of course. The four of them had met because of their primary powers. It was the usual, cliché hero story. Evil villain terrorizes the city. Four unlikely misfits with extraordinary powers go to stop them. Bartimaeus and Ptolemy had already known each other and had decided to form a team a few weeks prior. Kitty and Nathaniel had decided on their own that they would use their powers for good and help people. The four of them had run into each other while they had each separately tried to stop the typical evil-doer. Actually, for the first twenty minutes or so they ended up arguing over who got there first and who would actually stop the villain. After the miscreant had taken a hostage though, they decided that the best way to stop them would be to band together as a team. It turned out that they actually worked very well together. Afterward, they all agreed that they should stay a team and rented an apartment together. And that was when things started getting weird.

  
It had started with Bartimaeus. He had woken up one morning as a black panther, which definitely startled everyone. His initial power was pyromancy, so when he accidentally turned into a squid after lamenting over the fact that he couldn't change himself back, it was a bit of a shock. They all rushed him into the bathtub until they figure out what to do. He learned to control it eventually, but not before he chased Nathaniel around the house as a wolverine, broke some dishes, and majestically turned the couch into two love seats. The scorch marks were still evident on the walls, as though they were paintings proclaiming their epic duel. Long story short it was a rough day for everyone full of screaming, wild animals, distressed neighbors, and a new hand for Bart that lasted about a week.

  
Ptolemy had also discovered his secondary ability as well that day. Actually most of the broken dishes in the house were thanks to him. Along with his power to heal himself and others, he also appeared to have telekinesis. All the noise and chaos had given him a headache and when he yelled, which he rarely did, for everyone to be quiet half the things in the cabinet and a few from the walls went flying in all directions. This gave everyone pause as they each tried to process what had just happened.

  
Kitty had then found hers a few weeks after when she ended up stranded in the river Thames after an argument. She didn't like to talk about the incident. Unfortunately, her resistance to other powers hadn't helped her. Nathaniel had yet to show any signs as to if he had one or not, but he had very high hopes for himself. He figured since he already had the ability to shoot lighting from his fingertips it must be something truly devastating.

  
They entered the small apartment to find Ptolemy packing clothes into a bag. He brightened when he saw them. “Oh good! We were worried you wouldn't be back before we left.”  
Nathaniel cocked his head. “Left? Where are you two going?”  
“Prague.” Bartimaeus called from the kitchen. “Turns out the Prime Minister has taken notice of us.”  
Ptolemy nodded. “He thinks our 'skills' would be perfect for this particular assignment.”  
“And what assignment is that?” Kitty asked.  
“Something about an attempt on his life. He thinks the British spies we have there are being corrupted or whatever.” Bartimaeus yawned and started gathering a few stray things.  
“That sounds pretty serious.” Nathaniel blurted. “And... wait you agreed to do this? I thought you hated being a 'slave to authority' and said you wouldn't work for him Bartimaeus.”  
He shrugged. “I'm mostly going to visit an old friend who lives there. Besides, it's a good excuse to travel. I could care less if the old fart lives or dies.”  
“Your indifference towards the lives of others truly amazes me.” Kitty said flatly. “Why just you two though? Why not all of us?”  
“Like I said,” Ptolemy piped up, “He thinks our powers would be useful for this. And this way you two can keep an eye on London in case Faquarl pulls something.”  
Every true hero has a nemesis. Faquarl was theirs. He and his partner Jabor had caused much woe for our heroes in the past. He usually had some diabolical plan to overthrow the current government and let mutants like himself rule instead.

  
Ptolemy slung his bag over his shoulder. “Well, we really should be going now. Our flight's going to leave soon.” He smiled at the other two sheepishly. “Sorry to leave you on such short notice, we only found out this morning. But he says it's imperative we get there as soon as we can. Are you ready?” He smiled again and gave a little salute as they left.  
“Well that was quick.” Kitty huffed as the door clicked close.  
Nathaniel shrugged. “When the prime minister calls...” he trailed off and sighed. “Why didn't he choose me though?”  
“Oh yes, I'm sure shooting lightning bolts at the problem will solve everything. Good thinking Nathaniel.”  
“You know, some days I could do without the sarcasm.”

* * *

 

After about half an hour of being lost, arguing with a desk clerk, and not being able to find a bathroom, they were finally on a plane to Prague. Bartimaeus stretched as well as one could in the small space between seats. “It's gonna be great seeing Queezle again.”  
Silence.  
“Ptolemy?”  
“Hm? Oh yes... Definitely.”  
He nudged Ptolemy with an elbow. “What's eating you?”  
He shrugged. “Just what Kitty said is all. It's bothering me I guess.”  
“My indifference? If it makes you feel any better I'd be quite devastated if you died.”  
He snorted. “No not that. I mean what she said about Devereaux only sending you and me. It is a bit strange when you think about it.”  
Bartimaeus shrugged and scratched at his nose. “Maybe he really does think we're the only ones capable of something like this.”  
“Maybe... I'm sure it's just-” The other had slumped against his shoulder and was now snoring softly. It was uncanny how fast this man could fall asleep. Ptolemy bit his lip in thought before deciding it wasn't worth the trouble right now and laid his head on top of his friend's. Maybe it really was nothing. Maybe it was. They'd find out soon enough, wouldn't they?

 

* * *

 

Rats. Puddles of questionable liquid. The stench of death.  
This particular sect of underground London was definitely not the type of place you'd want to take a pretty girl on a first date. However, it was the perfect place to have meetings of malicious intent.  
“WHAT'S TAKING HIM SO LONG?”  
“Hush, Jabor. He'll be here soon.”  
Sure enough, the distant clicking of footsteps was soon heard.  
“Faquarl! Jabor! So good to see you.” The young man gave them a winning smile that would make laughing babies jealous as he approached. “I see you two are looking well.”  
“Yes, yes but instead of saying all the formalities that generally come with conversation why don't we just cut to the chase? Tell us what you know.”  
“YEAH, TELL US.”  
“Jabor. Hush.”  
“Hm. I'm afraid I don't have much to offer you this time. Our... mutual associate wants you to lure them to this disclosed location.” He handed them a blank, white envelope. Heavy with whatever was inside of it. “Specific, detailed instructions are also in there.”  
“YOU KNOW THESE MEETINGS ARE REALLY POINTLESS IF EVERY TIME YOU'RE JUST GOING TO GIVE US INSTRUCTIONS THE BOSS WROTE HIMSELF.”  
“Well, Jabor, it's not like we have a mailbox or anything, we're sort of fugitives. And for the last time will you please whisper?”  
“I AM WHISPERING.”  
Faquarl gave a face an exasperated father might make before pocketing the envelope. “Well, as always Simon, pleasure doing business with you.”  
“Likewise. And watch your backs. I hear Miss Farrar has been prowling around near this area with her squadron.”

  
Faquarl gave a curt nod and turned on his heel to leave. Jane Farrar had never been a huge concern to him; she was easy enough to deal with. His objective at the moment was getting rid of Simon Lovelace, his partner's lackey. That would speed things up so his main conspirator would place full trust in him and speak with him directly. Then he could put his real plan into action.  
“WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO TONIGHT FAQUARL?”  
“The same thing we do every night Jabor.” he smiled sweetly as his tall counterpart, “Try and take over the city.”

**Author's Note:**

> Bad jokes are my secondary power. 
> 
> Special thanks to the kids at home who beta read and helped me work out the kinks. They're awesome. And so are you, reader. Give yourself a pat on the back. Not too hard. Wouldn't want to hurt yourself.


End file.
